Realistic Wine Pairings

If you enjoy wine Australia is the perfect place to live.  Delicious wine is in abundance in this lovely country and you can get a staggering amount of vintages for not a lot of money.  All other alcohol is ridiculously expensive, Ron de Jeremy Rum at $74, I’m looking at you.  No seriously, that’s not a joke.  Ron Jeremy has a rum and it sells here for more than $70.  It is a world gone mad.

I never know what wine I should drink for which occasion.  Well, that’s not true.  Generally, I don’t care what wine is right for each occasion.  If it tastes good, I drink it.  If it tastes bad…actually, then I usually drink that too because I don’t want to be wasteful.  A throwback to my college days.  If I could choke down Milwaukee’s Best, no fermented grape juice could possibly  be worse.  It’s here and it’s wet and sista’s gotta do, what sista’s gotta do. I just won’t buy that label again.  My own version of evolution.

I do find however that sometimes there are certain wines that work better in specific situations.  This type of pairing isn’t the kind you’ll find from your local sommelier. I bet there is a market for it so I will give a crack at it today. Instead of looking at food or climate to best decide which wines to drink, today I will advise you on what wines go with each Life happenstance.

I will call this a Life Wine Pairing:

• Daughters start rolling fist fight with each other over what name to give new doll.  RECOMMENDATION: Chenin Blanc.  The subtle notes of apples and honey will help you remember the times that they were once sweet and kind…you know, when they are sleeping.
• Husband announces that wearing white socks with black jeans and black sneakers is perfectly acceptable.  RECOMMENDATION: Reisling. This wine will balance remarkably your husband’s idiocy with it’s refined youth and its grand maturity.
• Reading utterly moronic posts on Facebook written by people you would have sworn were normal human beings.   RECOMMENDATION:  This is tough.  There are two wines appropriate; depending your particular mood swing.  If feeling a bit spry and looking for some courage to fight back, I suggest a lovely Malbec. Spicy and intense ripe fruits.  All the better to fuel your fire.  If you’re feeling a little tolerant or perhaps even pity towards those attempting, yet failing, at clever wit, I think a Merlot will do.  I say this mainly because I do not like Merlot and drinking that will surely get my mind off of social media long enough to save a few friendships.
• New dog is so terrified of being alone that she destroys the house and can escape a metal crate.  RECOMMENDATION: Moscato.  A sweet wine has less alcohol. Of course, I understand that this isn’t your obvious go-to choice but hear me out. Dealing with mental health issues take quite some time.  In case you aren’t the best at pacing yourself,  I fervently suggest something to help you go the distance without ending up throwing up in the bushes. Trust me, it’s a bad look.
• Daughter forgets her school bag and therefore her lunch.  The school canteen online ordering system has already closed orders for the day and you have to track down your friend who works there and beg her to feed your child and you promise to send in money the next day.  RECOMMENDATION: Cabernet Sauvignon  I encourage you to get a heartier wine as this is the 5th  damn time this term you’ve had to beg for help from this poor woman.  Also, it wouldn’t kill you to bring her a bottle or two, just so she’ll keep taking your calls.
• Your son has just broken his femur playing rugby at school when he wasn’t supposed to.  Surgeon with 30 years experience says he’s never seen this type of break from playing footy, only car crashes.  RECOMMENDATION: Shiraz from the Borossa Valley.  Known for hearty, robust flavors. Drink quickly, don’t take time to savor the palate.  Honestly?  Don’t bother with a glass, just chug straight from the bottle.
• Pre-teen daughter suddenly 3/4 inch taller than you, possessing of sass and attitude that could have only come from her grandmother cursing you from the grave.  RECOMMENDATION:  All the wines, all the wines of the world.

Hopefully this is a good start for you the reader to gain an understanding of wine and the role it can have in your life.  If enough people are interested I’ll start creating more pairing lists.  Already I can see a need for Relatives at Christmas, Daughter Begins Dating, Son Refuses to Change Socks, Number of Ignorant Fools on Twitter Skyrockets and I Never Knew that a Dog Could Abseil.

If any of you have any personal life situations that you would like a wine pairing created for, please let me know.  I’m happy to share my expertise.